Your DNA coding for emotional resilience is very fragile. This is how you were crafted in utero. There is no mistake in how you built yourself. Your Soul has been intent on taking on more and more each lifetime in the hopes that you will be as “good” as the others you see around you. You perceive others as very heroic. Your Soul is running up against the reality of it’s own gift and what it is being called to manifest on the planet. You do not carry the “hero” in any of your bodies; physical, mental, emotional or spiritual.
In addition, there have been circumstances and events in your current life that have created more stressors than you are energetically built to handle. Being highly spiritual and conscious, you know that no one is given more than they can manage. Unfortunately your emotional DNA has become wound up around some seriously competitive siblings and friends. This is literally wound up in the sense that you are trapped in some energetic patterns that are damaging to you on a chronic emotional level. Competition is not your given area of strength. You are aligned socially and in deep friendships with people who play for keeps-meaning they do not give back when they receive. Your energy field cannot afford their games of judgment and “I am better than you”.
You may notice the vague uncomfortable sensations you have around certain conversations and people. As it is, you often don’t even know there is a competitive “game” in play, until you feel hurt. Start to notice feeling down and sad in these exchanges. Pay attention to that early warning feeling and prevent these verbal contests sooner. Once you accept and allow yourself to become more aware, you can leave the conversation and cut short those visits and eventually eliminate the persistent game players.
As far as Texas trauma. You see the current life images of people helping others in desperate need and recognize what you are calling, a flaw, in yourself. You believe that you would not /could not be a hero and would probably be needing help yourself, in a life threatening situation. ( What you do not know is what this has cost them, in this lifetime and in the past. That is a story for another day.)
This belief about yourself, accurate or not, is shaking your self value and esteem at a core level not experienced in this lifetime. This is the source of the obsessive thoughts. It is creating a loop of low esteem, self doubt and autonomic arousal that just won’t quit! Autonomic arousal causes the fight, flight, freeze or fawn symptoms you are also having in your body.
Correcting this requires several strategies.
1. Find a new group; meditators or people involved in some committed spirituality of oneness.
2. In that group, find a good listener. You don’t share much of your inner self at honest levels, except to a very few trusted people. Again, unfortunately, some of these are the same competitors that drain your emotional battery.
3. Wake up and see your strengths. Rather than longing for someone else’s skills, look in the mirror. Literally. Wake up and see that you are a gifted Sensitive. It is as if you have never considered what is yours to create and love in yourself.
4. Give back. The trauma of the planet is resonating deeply in you. You and the planet are one. You love this planet and it returns your love with a connection very few have. This is your gift. You are not built to engage human misery and trauma on a highly physical level. You are built to step back, take an observer role and send out great bursts of love, gratitude and support through money, prayer and intentions of deep healing for the planet and all it’s peoples.
5. Be grateful for what you have to give. Know that it is as worthy as a physical hand out of troubled waters.
6. Be patient. Every time you have the thought or image of people in need, send love. Just “think” it to them. It takes time for any of us to reconstruct ourselves. Consider becoming attuned to Reiki as a channeling skill for healing self, others and the planet.
7. Check out over the counter homeopathic solutions for relief that fit your symptoms and experience.
Once you safely climb back inside your own skin and accept who you are, you will eliminate the need / thoughts of not enoughness and the panic it incurs. The Truth, indeed, will set you free.