The field of energy you show as you ask that question is deep in trauma and family disconnects.
The neurological patterns in your psychological / emotional / energetic bodies are the colors of shaming with old threats of being excluded or left out. Punishing patterns of shaming may have been said out loud or just under the surface. The emotional needs in your psychological / emotional / energetic bodies became ingrained with strict beliefs about needing to take care of yourself and protect others. The love and acceptance every person needs to develop a sense of a safe world were based on following the rules. Behaviors required of you meant hiding all your own needs and impulses. This conditional love was very erratic and took the form of smothering or isolation.
As you gained maturity, these beliefs, habits and values turned into your own rules for living. This process is true of all humans. We take the ingrained childhood experiences and shape a life that includes ( or rebels!) from what we were taught.
It’s traditional in many bodies of knowledge to “blame the mother” for disturbances in childhood parenting patterns. Your focus of blame is split between your mother’s controlling and your father’s allowing you to be the scapegoat. Scapegoats are the target for any group’s unhappiness. Your mother’s need to tightly control your way of being in the world by blaming and shaming you, created a weariness in your physical coping and emotional shaping. You have deep beliefs that you would “never get it right”.
This stronghold of rules kept you well for decades. You unknowingly became the keeper of the rules for your family of origin. You were a benign ruler-the opposite of your mother, though still controlling. Your method of keeping the family together differed from your mother, yet was just as rigid.
The scapegoating went underground becoming more of a question of “who in the family is in trouble”? This subtle method of scapegoating means one person is always the “troubled”, “sick” one. It is a projection of the expectation that one person is always “wrong” in some way.
Your constant attention to saving members in the family who demonstrated the “problem of the moment” became your major emotional outlet. Some call this a “trauma and drama” focus. This kept your nervous system tuned up to the same anxiety and tension you were born into while keeping you safe from shame as a rescuer role.
This is a survival pattern. You have trained yourself to “live from the wound” of your pain and try to prevent others from the same experience. The wound you are always looking at may be someone else’s of your own. Either way this viewpoint and the repetition of your constant focus has created a PTSD-like response in your brain. Life events seem more threatening to your own safety and the world you have created than it does to the average person. Consciously and unconsciously you have protect yourself by hiding behind other’s pain. The anxiety it causes keeps you focused on survival even while you are trying to relax and enjoy life.
You are at a better place in your life now and making a transition. The old rules no longer work. Taking care of other’s problems is no longer creating the illusion of love you have been seeking. People are maturing in your circle of influence and taking better care of themselves. You are recognizing that true intimacy is based on patterns that (may start in trauma) but require a full spectrum of attention to all of life. Revealing your own ups and the downs and being vulnerable to share ( equally ) your own needs is a new skill. Trusting in joy is very shaky. The childhood rage and pain is surfacing from the stronghold and giving you the energy to break down the old habits. The wounds are clearly painful now rather than projected onto others. You had disconnected to protect your self image and integrity. This disconnect is the same as your very early response to being bullied by your mother. You are now strong enough to connect at times and confront your fears.
Finding people who will tolerate your emotional unloading while still loving you is the task. Start with a therapist. Someone who can be neutral to your experience while supporting you unconditionally. You can do this. You have far more strengths than weaknesses and a deeply loving heart. Turn that loving heart toward yourself and be compassionate toward your needs. You may not even know what those needs are. Stay focused on what creates a sense of lightness, joy, and peace in your mind / body and make more of those moments. Stay in Faith that joy is safe. I am keeping you in my prayer box.